Today's Jill Martin Details Having Suicidal Thoughts During Breast Cancer Journey

When Jill Martin was diagnosed with stage two breast cancer, she expected the months of chemotherapy treatments, the six surgeries, even the endless hours of cold capping in an attempt to preserve some of her hair. 

But the Today contributor hadn't anticipated that wrestling with suicidal ideations would be a part of her cancer journey. 

Prescribed two medications meant to reduce her risk of cancer recurrence, she was told potential side effects would include joint pain and fatigue.

Instead, "the dosage was not right for me and it caused me to have suicidal thoughts," the 48-year-old told E! News in an exclusive interview. Feeling hopeless and as if life wasn't worth living, "I had the wherewithal to be able to call my doctors and say, 'Something's not right,'" she continued, revealing she contacted her oncologist Dr. Eric Winer after Googling a specific suicide method and discovering the 988 suicide crisis line. "But not everybody has the strength like that."

Winer, director of the Yale Cancer Center adjusted her dosage, leaving her feeling more like herself and determined to help others. 

Because for most survivors, the battle doesn't end when doctors deem you cancer-free. 

It was a little more than a year ago when Martin uncovered her own stage two breast cancer. She had received a clear mammogram the day of her diagnosis, a clear sonogram months before. 

And though her mom Georgette Dorfman had her own breast cancer battle, she had tested negative for the BRCA gene mutuation.

Yet, shared Martin, "Randomly someone said, 'You should get a genetic test.' I never thought it'd be on my dad's side. He doesn't have breast cancer in his family." 

Testing positive for the BRCA gene, "They asked me to go in for the preventative surgery and they found aggressive cancer," Martin revealed. "Let me tell you something, I am the luckiest person in the world. I've always considered myself that. But had I not gotten that test, I don't know if I would've been here with you. It would have spread and likely been incurable." 

So, yes, she pushes hard for others to know their family history. 

"You need to know if you fit into the buckets of high risk," she stressed. "And if you do, you need to ask your doctor about genetic testing. I know people are scared. They don't want to know. Trust me, the alternative is earth-shattering and life-altering." 

Of course, Martin's life will forever be comprised of pre- and post-cancer.

"I was very proud of the woman who I was before," she explained. "But now I'm so proud of her. I honestly, at times didn't know if I was going to make it. You have feelings of desperation and hopelessness."

Coming out the other side, the By Jill Martin founder is aware that she appears like her old self. "People say to me, 'You look so pretty. You're all better. I'm so glad,'" said Martin.

However, "I spent the last year fighting for my life," she explained. "Now I'm like, 'What just happened to me?'" 

When she looks in the mirror, she clocks her shorter hair and all the ways her body looks different after six surgeries, including having her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed, a double mastectomy and subsequent breast reconstruction. "I'm dealing with the trauma of it all," said Martin. "Just because the physical part is over, the mental part is something that you need to work on every day and you need to choose to fight."

For the entrepreneur that looks like doing everything she can to help others. 

Channeling her emotions into her work, she lauched her By Jill Martin line of loungewear, including pink-hued sherpa loungers featuring the logos of the NBA and WNBA. 

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Host of Steals and Deals and breast cancer survivor Jill Martin created an exclusive line of WNBA and NBA gear with Fanatics, including this ultra cozy, hooded jacket in a blush pink hue with a pinked out WNBA logo.

All proceeds will be donated to the Basser Center for BRCA.

The experience has "caused me to be laser-focused and to really sharpen my tools and stay in my lane," said Martin of the partnership that benefits the Basser Center for BRCA. "Everybody has different superpowers and mine has caused me to hone in on not running around all the time, not always wanting more and more and more. I am getting really good at what I'm good at and raising awareness through my loungewear line." 

The pieces—almost entirely sold out on her site—are "a canvas for advocacy to start the conversation and to really give women and men the awareness," she explained of her mission, "but also the beautiful silver linings that have come out of it.

Take her newfound confidence. 

With everything her body has gone through, "I say I'm a disco ball—a million broken parts somehow beautifully put back together," said Martin. "And I look at shots of me in bathing suits and in dresses, and I remember being so self-critical. We're all hard on ourselves."

Now, though, "I'm so proud, this body," she continued. "Do you know how much work it took for me to get to this point? I think you need to look in the mirror and be your own best friend and watch what you say to yourself."

And Martin has become a pro at pumping herself up. 

"Every day is a new chance for a new beginning, and I really believe that," she insisted. "I don't take anything for granted."

As for the new parts of herself, "It's okay that it's before and after," she added. "You're allowed to start a new chapter any day you want. So if you're fighting and you've been down in the dumps, which I understand, you can start today. Every day is a fresh day. Every second is a new second."

If you or someone you know needs help, call 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also call the network, previously known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 800-273-8255, text HOME to 741741 or visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional resources.

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